Tuesday, June 22, 2004

My Mother

My mother is not the chief reason of my unhappiness. She unwittingly signed me up for a contract with this odd producer, thinking it was 'classy' nude modelling. Its like a deal with a devil, once you sign, you can't take it back. And as I was a minor and the producer corrupt, I was in for a year of hell. I had a vague idea of what it was, so it was sort of my fault. I have a few more months to go until the contract is up. Then I'm going to get the hell out of this hell hole you call Hollywood. It has not been that bad--because of my okay looks, I demanded no unneccesarily disgusting scenes, but still it has been some experience.
I wonder if there's a way to back out of this contract any sooner...

I have a cat named Donna. Her fur is snow white and all she does is piss, eat, poop and purr. This blogging thing is getting boring.

Cracked Dreams

It is amazing how fast your life can change. Just a couple years ago, I was drearily flunking my classes at my local high school and fantasizing on dating the hunkiest guy at high school, Nick Alter.
My life was ran over by the massive trucks of society when I first flew to Hollywood. My poor mother, sick and tired of my presence, clucked at me day after day that my life was worthless. Firstly, her dreams of having a college educated daughter were quelled when I brought home my final report card: F, F, F. Seeing my coordination, she made me work mundane jobs at the local shopping center. When I grew bored with that, she took me aside and said my last choice was to go to H'wood.
I auditioned, and auditioned, and auditioned. Rejection after rejection, my 'agent' bluntly told me the only way to make green in this horrid industry is by selling my flesh. My mother cried, but ever since she was a little girl (fuck that) she dreamed of rolling (like a pig) in the big green. So, like an evil mother she is, she used her daughter's body (me) to achieve that.
And what made me even tastier to those odd fucks around there was that I was a virgin. Hell yeah, a v-i-r-g-i-n, but not for long.
My first shot, I was nervous. I was almost eighteen, but my mother lied about my age so I could get rolling, fast.
'Honey, spread your legs a bit farther apart, and look like you're having a lot of fun. If it weren't for my passiveness, I would be like WonderWoman right then, beating them all up with my lasso...or am I thinking John Wayne?
I wasn't stupid, I just did not like school. All those mindless bastards around me did not compel me in any way. First there was that blandheaded creep who told endless jokes about retards. Then, that oddball reject punk who kept on ranting about his lovelife. While all the girls were busy getting knocked up, I was reading Nabokov and Balzac. Completely different authors, but I was fascinated by them. I hated math--my decent grade was in English--I got an inflated grade there because the teacher was a nutjob. He thought I was adorable and in return for my delirious essays on Nabokov's existentialist theories, he gave me straight A's. My mother could care less.
One way I got into the skin biz was because my mother's brother-in-law was best friends with a well known valley producer. Fearing lawsuits, I shall not name names. My friend Veronica Polinova, another skin sharer, suggested blogging as a great tool to vent my angst. And yes as much as I hate this business, I am still lying down and having those big ****** ******s riding me for money. In a weird way, I care for
my mother.
In my own fantasies, I am a prudent porn actress. I felt bad when Lara Roxx got HIV and such. I cried when I read she thought porn was the cleanest thing in the world. Poor naive girl. It is the DIRTIEST job in the world.
I am sort of still new to this business though--for ten months I've been working as a p girl. From Veronica I heard about Luke Ford, the 'Matt Drudge' of porn. Its kinda interesting how he's so religious and yet so loose with women. He has a neet website--all those cool links and stuff. I came across some sad blog called 'Seraphic Secret'. Avrech doesn't seem secret as he gushes about his grief for his son. I looked at all those websites and I felt unholy and dirty compared to them.
I wish I could talk to them, but he would probably freak out that a porn starlet is approaching them. Those holy ones would probably spit at me...i don't know..
But not Luke Ford--he approaches the unholy and the holy. He must think that holiness comes from doing things unholy. Just like Stalin and Rasputin--I did pay some attention in history class.
This business of sharing my ass with various others gives good money to be frank. I went to the Victoria's Secret in Glendale the other day, when I had the weekend free and bought myself a new bra--very expensive one to tell you the truth. I have a size D, which is why I am paid so highly, and this bra is quite comfy. It is green and lacey and is so sexy. Ironically, I feel quite unsexy when I am doing my job.
I vowed myself to never get married because of what happened. I read Luke Ford's 'History of X' which I bought for a dogged 3$ online a month ago, and felt educated and superior than my producers, G-D bless them.
When I was seventeen and making my first scenes, was I doing it for child porn or for adult porn? I don't really know.
If I had my way, I would be in Harvard right now, studying English literature. But with a controlling mother, I am instead spreading my legs for the camera.